


Lights will guide you home

by mostladylikeladythateverladied



Category: Shiritsu Horitsuba Gakuen
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, Polyamory, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-25
Updated: 2013-10-25
Packaged: 2017-12-30 11:26:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostladylikeladythateverladied/pseuds/mostladylikeladythateverladied
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He has some troubles with himself. Kuro/Fai/Yuui with repulsed asexual!Yuui. Written for Asexual Awareness Week.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lights will guide you home

**Author's Note:**

> This one was easier and harder to write than the other fics for AAW, and much more personal. I'm a repulsed asexual myself, so it was easier to write a character that is the same as me. It was harder because Yuui is an avatar for myself back in high school, before I knew asexuality was a thing, and when I thought I was sick and something was wrong with me. It was hard to write, but therapeutic for me as well. I hope you enjoy.

Yuui tried not to let it bother him, but the inequality of their relationship snuck up on him sometimes. 

In the night, when he was held close to Kurogane’s bulk by a firm arm at his waist and his brother at his back, pressing his face into his shoulder blades. In the dark, where he could barely see the ceiling above him and the only sound he could hear was the gentle _in_ then _out_ of his lover’s and brother’s breathing. 

His mind began to buzz with doubts, and he wanted to silence the voices with the surety of his love for them, but didn’t quite have the confidence to deafen himself to them. 

Yuui didn’t doubt that Kurogane and Fai loved him with all that they were. Yet still he doubted his own role in their odd little collective of affection. 

Because they could provide each other everything. Yuui could not provide what he had always been told was necessary to the health and longevity of a relationship. 

He craved touch. He wanted to touch and be touched. He yearned for Fai’s hand brushing his cheek and Kurogane’s lips on his. 

He desired touch, but felt only revulsion if the touch wandered too low. 

He wanted to silence the voices that told him he had no place with Kurogane and Fai, he _really_ wanted to. But on they droned to the tune of the _in_ and _out_ of his lover’s and brother’s breathing. 

*~* 

“I was thinking we could travel for Winter break this year. Somewhere warm with a beach and the ocean. We could swim, and build sand castles, and ogle Kuro-pon in a swimsuit!” Fai enthused. 

Yuui watched his brother bounce on his heels as he speculated on the need for sunblock and beach towels. He leaned across the kitchen counter, hands cupping his face as he daydreamed. 

He smiled at his brother’s excitement. It sounded nice, the three of them, away from the watchful, judgmental eyes of their friends, their employer, their students. To be themselves for a time. 

“What does Yuui want to do?” Fai poked his brother’s cheek to get his attention, seeing Yuui’s thoughts wander off. 

“Oh, well, the beach sounds nice. Maybe somewhere we could go shopping too?” Yuui smiled adoringly at Fai’s bright blue, _so blue, do I really have the same_ , eyes. “You’ve always liked souvenirs and tourist traps.” 

Fai pouted, his eyes dulled and expressing the disappointment his face tried to hide. “I asked what _you_ wanted to do. Not what you wanted _me_ to do.” 

A burst of pain, then, 

“I…I don’t think I’d go with you, if you went somewhere with Kurogane.” Yuui muttered, averting his eyes from his brother’s suddenly sharp gaze. 

“Why not?” he cried, “It wouldn’t be fun if Yuui was back home being bored and lonely!” Fai grabbed for Yuui’s hand that rested on the counter. He held it to his chest and Yuui could feel the _thump thump_ of his heart, beating a little faster than normal. Fai stared at his mirror imploringly. 

_Because you could make love on that beach with him and you’d love that but you wouldn’t do it with me so near because you know it makes me uncomfortable so it’s better if you left me behind not just for a vacation but for good because I’m sick and I’m getting in the way and there’s something wrong with me_

But Fai looked so sad, and his eyes were so blue. He smiled a little and said, 

“I guess I’ll have to go with you then.” 

Fai’s beaming smile silenced the doubtful voices, for just a moment. 

*~* 

Yuui tried. He tried to swallow the bile in his throat at the thought of heated rutting. He tried to push away the distaste for semen and saliva and sweat. But every man who’d tried to become a lover was rejected, and he always was rejected by them. 

Theythought he was repulsed by _them_. They felt hurt and betrayed, and in turn they hurt and betrayed Yuui. And Yuui deserved it because _there must be something wrong with me_. 

Kurogane hadn’t rejected him. When Fai pulled Yuui into their relationship, he’d told Kurogane point blank that Yuui found sex disgusting, and if Kurogane had an issue with it, he’d have an issue with both of them. 

Kurogane hadn’t had an issue with it. 

Yuui, though, had many issues with it. He heard the moans of ecstasy from Kurogane’s apartment when the AC unit was quiet and he was alone and the rest of the building had turned in for the night. 

And he always thought, _I won’t – can’t do that with him and Fai can so why does he want me around when he has my brother why does he want me when I’m so sick and wrong_  

Fai knew Yuui had thoughts like this sometimes. 

Fai didn’t know Yuui had thoughts like this all the time. 

His twin had held Yuui tight after bad breakups. There were so many nights with the quiet and the pain and the doubts screaming at him in his head and Yuui would cry and cry and Fai would hold him and kiss his cheeks and tell him he loved his twin more than anything, more than words could express. 

Fuck that guy, he’s not good enough for you. If they don’t understand, they aren’t good enough for you, he’d say. 

Yuui tried to believe Fai, he really did, but the pain was more real than the fantasy of a man that understood. 

Yuui loved Fai more than anything, more than words could express. 

*~* 

Fai confronted Yuui one night while he prepared dinner. Fai trapped him in front of a hot stove he couldn’t run away from so easily and asked, 

“Do you want to end this?” 

Yuui stopped stirring the pot on the stove. His hands shook and he looked at his brother, who had moved from the kitchen table to directly behind him. 

There was something in the way he said it. He said _you_ like it was the most important word in the world. Fai wanted to know if Yuui wanted to back out. He didn’t want to hear what he thought was best for everyone else, as Yuui was wont to do. 

It occurred to Yuui just then how much he understood about his brother just from him stressing a single syllable. It both comforted and disturbed him to know he could do so, seeing as Fai could read him just as well. 

And that Kurogane could read the _both_ of them just as well. 

Yuui switched off the burner and moved the pot to a cooler spot on the stove. He turned to face his brother and said, 

“Yes.” 

Fai’s face twisted into a mix of raw hurt and terror. He looked like _Fai_ was the one Yuui was breaking up with. 

Yuui knew then how badly his twin wanted him to be a part of this, to share in the happiness he found with Kurogane. 

“But you have to listen to me first.” Yuui interrupted the tirade he knew was coming, the lecture on valuing himself and his needs before the needs of others. It was a lecture he needed to hear, he’d admit, but not at the moment. 

Fai quieted and listened. Yuui briefly marveled at the power he had over his brother if he actually managed to get him to shut his mouth. 

“I love Kurogane, and I love you, and I know you both love me-” 

“So then why do you want to-” 

“Fai. I really need you to listen to me right now.” Yuui scolded, and Fai had the good grace to look a bit ashamed. 

“I really need to get my head on straight.” Yuui began, and took a deep breath to brace himself before continuing, “I keep having doubts I shouldn’t be having, and thoughts that are really bad for me.” 

Fai looked hurt, and Yuui figured it was because he hadn’t talked to his brother about this sooner. 

“I’m not in a good place right now to have a relationship.” Yuui’s voice grew quiet. “I need to figure myself out before I try and give myself to someone. 

“This isn’t me being self-sacrificing. I need to do this _for_ me.” Yuui stared at his stony, silent brother, and waited. 

Fai shut his eyes and let out a _whoosh_ of air. He stared back at Yuui. 

“Okay. If you need to do this, then that’s alright. But promise me you’ll talk to Kuro-sama first? Hear what he feels about this?” Fai eyes, _blue, blue eyes_ , pleaded with him. 

“I will.” 

*~* 

He stood outside his neighbor’s door and beat his fist against the wood three times before letting it fall to his side. He waited, nerves stretching the brief seconds into what seemed like hours. 

The door opened smoothly, and Yuui let out a small sigh at the sight of his lover. 

_This was going to hurt. Both him and me._  

Yuui smiled a little, genuinely happy to see him, and Kurogane jerked his head towards the interior of his apartment, inviting Yuui in silently. 

_But it will hurt us both more if I don’t do this._  

Yuui grabbed Kurogane’s hand, _big and warm and felt so good against his skin_ , as he passed by and pulled him gently to the cozy living room after shutting the door with a _thud_ that sounded very final to Yuui’s ears. 

Kurogane grunted in surprise and began to ask what Yuui was up to, but he shushed the larger man with a look. 

They settled on the couch, and Yuui perched himself on Kurogane’s lap, straddling him. Kurogane stared up at him, face blank, but his tense muscles spoke of his surprise. Yuui had never been this forward before. 

“I have to check something.” Yuui whispered. 

Kurogane looked confused, but nodded, respecting Yuui’s need to do – whatever it was he needed to do. 

Yuui pressed his face into the other man’s neck and gave the skin there a small peck, then deliberately ground his crotch into Kurogane’s. 

Both gasped in surprise, Kurogane at the shock of Yuui’s sheer sexuality, and Yuui at the unfamiliar spark of pleasure that shot through his body. 

Though, despite the pleasure, the sound of _this is wrong why am I doing this God I don’t want to do this this is terrible_ still spoke strong in Yuui’s head. 

He loved Kurogane, he knew he did, but the revulsion hit him stronger than the pleasure. Yuui wanted to tear his hair out, _want to tear my heart out_. 

Kurogane suddenly pushed him away, pressing Yuui’s back to the couch as he stood over the blonde. 

“What the _hell_ do you think you’re doing?” Kurogane demanded, eyes burning like hot coals into Yuui’s own, but Yuui’s head was somewhere else. 

Kurogane would never hurt him, and by Fai’s account, would only bring him unimaginable ecstasy, so _why_. 

It wasn’t fear, though. It wasn’t fear of being hurt. When he felt Kurogane’s member twitch as he pressed his own sex against the other man’s it wasn’t fear he felt. He thought of Kurogane’s large, long penis that he’d seen during baths taken together. Then he thought of it inside him, and he felt _weird and gross and why would anyone actually want that_. 

He wasn’t afraid, he was _repulsed_. 

“Hey!” Kurogane shook his shoulders and brought him back to the cozy living room and couch. 

“Why would you do something like that?” He asked, as soon as Yuui’s eyes returned to focus. “Don’t _ever_ force yourself to do something you don’t want.” 

Yuui felt an overpowering wave of love for this man. He wanted him close, so Yuui tugged him down by the arms pinning him to the couch. Kurogane fell next to him and Yuui pressed close to him. 

“I just needed to try.” 

Kurogane got very quiet. That was something, _something else there are so many somethings_ , that Yuui loved about Kurogane. He understood with as little as a look and a few words. 

“I don’t need _that sort_ of intimacy with you. Not when you need and want a different sort of closeness.” Kurogane spoke up after a time of silent cuddling, “I’m fine with what I have with your brother, and I’m fine what I have with you.” 

It dawned on Yuui then. 

_He understood_. 

Kurogane was a blunt, sometimes painfully blunt person, and Yuui knew he’d appreciate Yuui being blunt now. 

“I want to break up with you.” 

Kurogane never wasted his time doubting the twins or their love for him. They showed it to him every day with words, with smiles, with whispering brushes of skin. He knew Yuui loved him, so he didn’t argue, he just asked, 

“Why?” 

Yuui leaned against Kurogane’s shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around the blonde’s shoulders and held him close. 

“I promised Fai I’d explain things to you.” 

So Yuui explained. He talked about the voice of doubt in the back of his head telling him he was accessory to Kurogane, that Fai was who he wanted and needed. 

He talked about the other voice, the malicious one that told him he was _sick_ and _wrong_. He talked about how he believed those voices even though he knew he shouldn’t. 

Kurogane stayed silent, and spoke only when Yuui had been silenced for a long while. 

“Alright. I’ll back away if you need me to.” 

Yuui sighed in relief. He feared that Kurogane would insist they stay together and work through this. He feared that Kurogane wouldn’t understand that Yuui needed to figure things out for _himself_. 

“But…” 

Yuui looked up into the burning, red eyes. 

“You need to know that you are just as important as your brother in this.” _Just as important to me_ went unspoken, but still heard. 

“You promise me something.” 

Red eyes scorched blue. 

“You promise when you sort things out, you’ll come back.” 

Yuui smiled and nodded.


End file.
